sideways_stylus (sideways_stylus) wrote,

Old Posts Part I; Harry Potter Doodle Comic + 2 Star Wars Comic-y things

Goblet of Fire Parody

We start our film off in Harry's elusive midnight dream world... which is fully funded with Dobby Digital Sound, and has funky camera angles to boot. So, what is it that teenage boys think of during their nightly respite...?

Harry awakes at the Burrow, home of the Weasleys, at Too Early O'Clock in the morning, to embark upon a journey best known as: The Plot. Or, you know. The Quidditch World Cup. Whatever makes your cake.

Yes. Lament the loss of Sean Biggerstaff as Oliver Wood. He had an awesome.... accent.

Ireland versus Bulgaria- let the bloodbath begin!

It is at the Quidditch match we first learn a disturbing fact about Ron... namely, that he is a 'Krumkin'. An obsessively loyal fan to Viktor Krum. Is this canon? Who knows. Have at it, fangirls, have at it!

WOW! Ireland wins the match against the Bulgarian team! But, you know how it goes when you have a stadium full of drunk, angry Bulgarian fans... There's some name tossing, one guy yells "To hell vith Ireland! Go vome and do your Riverdance!"... and then the mass witch-burning begins. Yowza. So, what exactly does happen post game-time?

Harry is left all on his lonesome, to make it out of the stadium alive! Can he do it?! Pick up your controller, it's game time...

Yeah. That stick was a doozy. He can defeat the Dark Lord three times, but ask him to walk in a straight line... and the Boy Who Lived is reduced to the Boy Who Fell On His Arse.

Eventually, the smoke clears, and our hero is once again joined by his friends. As they look over the ruined campsite, a mark hovers in the sky...

The excitment is cut short though, as once again, the Trio heads to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy for another year of... um... well, let's let Dumbledore explain.

Dumbledore makes sure to then welcome the exchange students from Beau-bax-tons (Mwah) and Drumstrang. These students are not at all stereotypical of their countries or genders. Nope. not one bit.

To have a chance at attaining 'Eternal Glory', you must put your Name, Social Security Number, Application, and Legality Disclaimer into the Goblet of Fire. Unfortunately for Fred and George, they forgot their Social Security number. And they aren't 17 anyway. So, in an attempt to fool the Age Line put around the cup, they make a Potion and then feed it to each other. ...Uh. Right. Hermione attempts to explain to them that their logic of dislogic sucks troll guts, but... you know how it goes...

Wow. So the Twins failed. I bet EVERYONE under the age of 17 will fail...

...Except Harry, cause his name is in the title. As a side note, I found the next part of the movie interesting; Dumbledore openly molests Harry and demands-- "You didn't get an older student to put your name in for you, did you?!" ...In the background, you could almost hear the twin's heads hitting the closest desk. Genius. As another side note.. yes, that is a butterfly strapped on to Fleur's head. It amuses me. it should amuse you too.

Ron's jealousy has grown to extreme proportions. It just isn't fair. Harry gets the cool tortured past... and the awesome evil step parents... and the foil-y foe to do battle against... and the life threatening situations-- and all Ron gets is a loving home!! BAH! Ron decides to vent...

The Tri-Wizard Tournament isn't all gloom and doom. There's also a fun aspect! A fun aspect in which adolescent boys try to work up the nerve to ask out-of-their-league girls to spend the night with th-- never mind. The Tri-Wizard Tournament is all torture, all the time.

(You know you're digging Mrs. Norris there.)

Harry has issues. Luckilly, he has a Godfather to discuss those issues with...

So, it's time for the Once-Yearly Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Let's see what wonderful Professor they have now... Why, yes. Mad-Eye Moody. Who has chosen today to demonstrate to his class the three Unforgivable Curses. Why are they Unforgivable? Because they do unimaginable evil. Highly illegal, very dangerous- PERFECT for Fourth Years! Let's take a peek at how the class is going, shall we?

Neville isn't the only one going through a tough time. Poor Harry has to deal with people making fun of his bathing habits at every turn...

It's time for our four champions to face the first task! Harry must somehow get past a notoriously fire-breathing dragon to recover a golden egg! How WILL he do it?!

...Uh. Well. Eventually he does get the egg. I promise.

After watching Harry nearly die a toasty death AGAIN, Ron decides to be the bigger man, and apologize. After a heartfelt Make Out Make Up session, Ron remindes his mate how lucky he is to have him...

The egg Harry procured during task one gives a clue to what task two is about. ...And yet, he can't figure his out! Maybe... Cedric could help?

There is no one out there who saw GoF and din't for at least one second think that Cedric was asking Harry to take a bath with him. Poor Cedric gets lonely in the tub, apparently. Either that, or he ph3ars Pervy Mertyle (but I won't give that away!).

Well, okay. Harry has the clue figured out. He has to rescue something from the Merepeople in the Black Lake OF DOOM!. But how on eath can he breathe under water? Too bad his friends are all to lame to give him any advice...

Task Two brings difficult choices for Harry... time is running out, and there are two victims of the watery depths that need his help. Yet... he can only choose one...

Don't worry, Ron sadly doesn't die. In fact, he's back, just in time to look ridiculous and hate life some more at the Yule Ball...

NOTE: THE WHITE STUFF IS NOT HAGRID'S DANDRUFF. It's Ron's dignity, being danced upon by the public en masse Snow. :)

Meanwhile, before the third task, Fred and George try to make the best of a bad situation by taking bets on who will be the Vicktor, and who will get a mere Honorable Mention. Unfortunately, their little sister doesn't always agree with the way they do their thang...

Rita Skeeter, journalist extraordinaire, always gets her scoop. She even interviews Harry, getting all the facts in a saintly manner...
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...She would have used pepper, but side effects of that are sneezing, and teenager-germ-projectiles are a terrible way to ruin a good lime green outfit.

We're down to the line now; Third Task!! Like, Gaspers! In the third task, the students are put in a Maze... where the shrubbery has a taste for human flesh. Or, maybe, just has a major crush on Cedric Diggory. Who knows. With the prize trophy within his reach... will Harry help a friend, or will he wish to hog the glory for himself?

Cedric and Harry grab the cup together- They Both Win! Or... not. In fact, they are transported into Creepy Graveyard #3 (which you will remember from all the good slasher flicks) which has been refurbished, and is now overloaded by a fetus known as Lord Voldemort. In the Book, Voldiekins knocks the socks off of Diggory before he can utter a single "We're not in Kansas anymore, Potter." In the movie, he is kind enough to give the boy time to speak...

Left on his lonesome, terrified, shivering, bloodied... and, uhm... generally in a state of 'not cool', our hero (that'd be Harry now that Cedric is in the big Members Only club in the sky) is left surrounded by the Dark Lord and his brood...

Just when we think Harry is about to meet his end, LJ saves the day again! No, not the LiveJournal crew, they're too busy making sure I can waste your time by posting this... No! In fact, it's Lily and James! Harry's Dead Parents who come back from beyond to nobely, and once again, save their son from Voldemort's slightly sadistic hands! Too bad Cedric's family wasn't dead, then they could have helped him out, too...

Kids these days are never grateful, yanno?

Harry just narrowly escapes the graveyard scene, miraculously having enough time to pull Cedric's somewhat decomposed body through the Black Hole with him. On the other side, Harry flings his still warm body over that of his cold companion, and Angsts it Up oldschool...

But the youngster isn't our of Harm's Way yet! In fact, it's time for us to reveal a plot twist! Mad-Eye Moody is really... NOT MAD-EYE MOODY! It was a set up! My God! Who would have guessed! A DADA Professor, in league with Voldemort?! ...I really do wish to know what the hiring process for this school is.
"So, do you intend to attempt to murder Harry Potter during your stay at Hogwarts? It makes things more interesting. Oh, no. Ron'll do, if you prefer."

And so, with Moody taken away to jail by the people at Disney, so ends another school year...

And so we make it to the final scene of the movie... where Hermione really asks this question, while holding onto a pillar to support her frail nerves. Since, you know... she went through so much trauma this go.

//END... or... wait...

I've been asked many times now if it made my soul feel blue that Percy wasn't in the flick. Aww. No, not really. (I was just overjoyed Sirius WAS in it! Even in Magma Form!) But, here's a special little snippet, just for any Percy fans out there... (uh... yeah, that might just be me.)
In the books, Percy follows Barty Crouch around like a lapdog, blisfully unaware that he is under the Imperius Curse; one of the 3 Unforgivables, it allows one person to control another's mind and actions. However, in the movie, Barty Crouch is seen without his red-headed assistant, and instead, suffers the wrath of one of the other Unforgivable curses...
Here's what we'll call a 'Deleted Scene' for y'all...

~_^ And Done!


Sorcerer’s Stone Parody (Sequel to GoF)

It all begins at… the beginning. Well, not the very beginning. We skip the steamy love scene between Lily and James (which I hear from reliable sources involved peach frosting and a lawn mower) and move right up to when young Harry Potter is just that. Young. One, to be precise. One year, 2 months, 9 days, 7 seconds to be VERY precise, and lacking in accuracy. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. Harry is about to lose… he’s being dropped off at the Dursley’s, after his parent’s unfortunate murder by Lord-. . .

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You know, everyone always villainizes the stuffy Dursleys for being cruel to Harry. (Villanizes isn’t a word.) But, how do you think they felt, being saddled with some whiney kid? We don’t even know what the letter said to them, or how Dumbledore explained their new responsibilities! Or… do we?

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Right. So. Harry is like 11 now. And his life rocks about as hard as an 89 year old Nun. Ouch.

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The Dursleys once again act like unreasonable suberbian sadists when they decide to punish Harry for getting their kid eaten by a snake. Meanwhile, I can hear Charles Darwin laughing in the background.

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To Harry’s great surprise, he has mail one day! Lots… and lots... and lots… of mail. To Vernon’s surprise, no one notices the small army of owls that have come to peck his eyes out.

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In a ditch effort to escape the talons of crazy-mad Hogwarts Ninja/Assassin/Actor owls, Vernon flees with his family to a rock in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. This is a good idea, because boats haven’t been invented yet. Except by Hagrid.

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Once Hagrid realizes that this isn’t Resident Evil, and that Zombie!James is in fact the resident Maiden in Distress, Harry Potter, he saves the boy, whisking him away to the Happiest Place on Earth! The Pub.

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So, they do the shopping. Harry gets a wand and some pot (a cualdron, you rebel, you), some books and some weed (potions ingredants- what kind of a Professor do you think Snape is?). Oh, yeah. And his very own Pokemon, Hedwigachu. Known in the Mafia circles as merely; “THE HEAD”.

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After his soire with the Plot, Harry arrives at Platform 9 and ¾. Here, he will make a bond that will last until at least Book 6… or, until Ron uses up that last of the toilet paper without refilling yet again.

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On the train, stuff happens. Like… they sleep. And mange. And, oh yeah. Molest the plot a bit more.

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Because, I know what all you skeevy fangirls were really thinking… and you should be ASHAMED.

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The sorting song didn’t really appear in the Movie. Which was a pity, because this is how it went in the original script…

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Harry is a Gryffindor! RAH! And, IRONICALLY*** so are Ron and Hermione! (***Note: This isn’t ironic. Stop making your English teacher hate you.) So… who doesn’t like Gryffindors?

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Ah, flying lessons. Madam Hooch does a bang-up job. Literally. Neville has to be hospitalized. But flying is something Harry has in his blood! James could fly. He learned this after a sad encounter with a banana peel and Sirius Black’s elbow; an ordeal that sent him out a 4th story window. But… he knew to think Happy Thoughts. Like Lily. And peach icing.

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And then at some point- It’s Christmas! Yay! I don’t know if Christmas actually comes at this point in the movie… I left my DVD in Scotland. Curse you, Fate.

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And after Christmas comes… Quidditch! And what every girl (and some young men, too) wanted for the Hols. Oliver Wood. In a cotton-wool blend knitted.

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And now you know why Harry is the youngest player in years! If you are still under the impression that Quidditch is as PG as a live-action Disney movie, then check out the headline for the school newspaper the next day…

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And, now we jump through a plot hole and ram our way past continuity errors to find ourselves at… HALLOWEEN! Oh noes… there’s a Troll on the loose, and it’s out for Hermione’s blood! Can Harry and Ron stop trading skittles long enough to save her?

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While roaming about the school past curfew (because Gryffindors and Rule Following are like Oil and Water), Harry stops in front of a his destiny mirror to fix his invisible hair in case anyone should see him snooping around in his… invisibility cloak. The next night, he takes Ron.

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And now, for something completely necessary…

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This movie had a plot. It involved keys, and Goblins, and Snape being evil (which he isn’t, then is again, then totally can’t be, then SO is, then isn’t, then book 6) and Hagrid being drunk. But, this plot also involved Centaurs, which I can’t draw to save Jimmy from a Well. So, moving right along…

The now-established Trio makes it into the super secret chamber that NO ONE, not even the GREATEST dark Wizard of all time, can penatrate. So, it’s perfectly plausible that three 11-year-old dimwits can stumble in without being maimed. …Yeeeeah. Makes less sense then the Chinese Subtitles on Revenge of the Sith. Anywho, here is a summery of what the kids needed to do to make it to the final stage… The Underwater Level! Dudu-dudududu… dudu du dudu dudu du! which I have cut down to make sure this movie doesn’t run longer then 2 hours, 15 minutes.

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Hermione hangs back to properly molest Ron’s wasted body. Or… to put a handi-whipe on his broken skull. We can only guess, really. What we do know, is Harry moves valiantly onwards! And OH MY GOD. The villian is reveled!

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So, they fight. They being Voldemort and Harry… over the stone, you know. Which the mirror was gaurding? OKAY, OKAY. So if this comic were had anymore holes in it’s plot, it would be Percival’s Grail. The POINT IS… I LIKE SCOOBY DOO.

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Scooby Snacks for everyone! A happy ending if ever I’ve seen one.



1. I was asked, “What is the difference between how you draw James, and how you draw Harry?”

Okay. Well. Check it.

JAMES: Chin points into a square. Nose points up. Hair curves outward in front, inward in back. Square glasses. Eyes are hazel. Thin brows. Shorter then Harry.

HARRY: Chin points out. Nose is round. Hair curves inward in fron, outward in back. Round glasses. Eyes are blue. Thick brows.Taller then James.

Here, you can see this demonstrated… they have the same expression, same shirt, but do not look the same. Harry is bumpy!

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The follow-up question to this was… “They still look alike! How can I tell them apart when they are together?”

This amused me very much. They look alike because, well… they are related. And you can tell them apart because… James is dead. And Harry isn’t. So, they shouldn’t ever both appear frontally in the same comic, unless… (cliffhanger!)

This, Ladies and Gents, is based on true events having happened two days prior…!
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So, for you, Sleepy, and your terrible insults and snazzy watches, I toss away my love of angsty men in black leather and present to you the following—

Anakin Tries…
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The Chosen One; a few IQ points short of an Einstein.
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